© 2012 David Vulcez

 

“It’s all your fault, you know.”

I was jolted to awakeness by those soft words from my loving wife of just over five years.

We were spooned together, me behind her, in a warm embrace. I was feeling very relaxed, defenseless and ready to sleep after a VERY passionate session of love making. My wife, Katey, had initiated it (rare occurrence) and had been very animated and seemed determined to “kill me with kindness” (never occurrence). It was definitely one for the record books. I’m never one to question a good thing but I guess even I should have been suspicious. The piper must be paid.

“Huh? Wha..? What did I do?”

Those were the only words I could conjure from my mostly shut down brain going now into full defense mode. That’s what we guys do when confronted by our spouses. We go on full defense, knowing we did something wrong and are going to be paying for it even when we have no idea what it was we did.

I was now tense but dared not move, waiting for the revelation of what I was going to be paying for and how much was owed.

I felt a slight jab in the ribs from a feminine elbow. Not hard, just enough for effect. Almost playful I might say.

“It’s all your damn fault. According to the timetable, ‘The Plan’ should be in full effect. We should in divorce court right now with me being on my way to a somewhat prosperous single lifestyle. I also should be on the lookout for husband number 2.”

Now I was awake. “What the fuck are you talking about? What plan? You’re out of your fucking mind. You’re not making any sense.” My voice was kicking up in both volume and pitch into that awful male version of whiny. It was rare I ever cussed at Katy and here I was cussing and whining at the same time.

She turned to face me as I laid propped up on an elbow. She threw a soft leg over mine and placed her index finger across my lips.

She started to whisper to me. “Shhhhh, shhhhh baby. Don’t swear at me. It’s okay. Just relax. I have something to tell you and I didn’t know how to bring it up so I just sort of blurted that out. Relax. Relax. I’d tell you not to get your pants in a bunch but I seem to remember you’re not wearing any at the moment.”

She then gently reached over and grabbed my recently well used and very happy member and said, “I think I’ll hold on to my friend here so I can tell you what I have to say and keep you from doing something stupid. This won’t hurt a bit unless you try to run out or jump up or some other crazy thing.”

I can’t say I was reassured but as long as she held onto MY best friend, I was willing to listen. I wasn’t sure I was going to like it but as long as she held the little head, the big head wasn’t so concerned about thinking anymore.

I could see her smile in the dim light and she continued to whisper her assurances. “That’s it, just relax. Everything is fine, you’ll see.”

She took a deep breath. “I’ve been a real snot to you for the past month or so starting before I went to visit my mom and sisters. I know that. Subconsciously, it was part of my exit strategy.”

“Exit strategy?” I felt myself tensing again.

She tightened her grip on our mutual friend and continued to reassure me. “Just relax. You’ll understand soon enough.”

“So. I went on my little reunion trip and visited my mom first, as you know. I not only went to see her but to get a little encouragement and advice about implementing ‘The Plan’. One thing I hadn’t counted on was seeing her in her element and observing her life a bit. She lives in this great house and owns a couple of very cool cars – my favorite is the Maserati. She has these young boy-toys she plays with and seems to have everything a woman could want, if you’re into money and the trappings of wealth. She got all that by devising and following ‘The Plan’, a term she sort of coined.”

“’The Plan’ is simply to find some guy to marry and to stay married for about 5 years. You then divorce him and get half of the assets and move on to the next husband and do it all over again. My mom has been married now 7 times, has 3 daughter’s from 3 different husbands and is now divorced, she says for the final time, and is living a very plush life. She admonished me that it was time for me to move on and gave me a list of things to be sure I did and things to ask for during the divorce process. You know, negotiating tips. You didn’t know it but you were about to be hung out to dry.”

That told me a lot. I always wondered why my wife never invited me to go to visit her mother or any of her sisters. It was like she was ashamed of me or something. Now my view of them was that they were a bunch of man hating bitches and I was a mere fly in their soup. It appeared being kept from the family ‘get-togethers’ was a good thing but this still did nothing to calm my growing fear that this was not going to end well. The fact that she was telling me this was a small glimmer of hope. Since process servers don’t usually appear in your bedroom at night to serve you with divorce papers it didn’t make sense that she was going to spring a surprise “gotcha” announcement on me right now.

Katey continued. “With renewed determination and more ammunition, I went to see my eldest sister, Janine. She seems to be doing okay. She had just married husband number 3 and is living a pretty plush life. I got to meet Trent, her new husband. He seemed all right but was pretty dull overall and always seemed to be leering at me. Janine said he was a sales rep and was gone a lot which was okay with her because he was pretty boring in bed. She said she couldn’t wait for these next 5 years to be over. She talked somewhat fondly about her first husband, Tim, whom she said was a fantastic lover and generally a good man. From what she knows he has remarried with 2 kids now and seems pretty happy. She ran into him recently and at least now they could talk because he was no longer hurting and angry. I seriously doubt they will ever be any kind of friends though. It’s kind of sad, I always liked Tim and thought he was good for her. I never met husband number 2. Janine just married him because he was rich. He treated her pretty badly overall, I guess. I kinda came away from Janine’s with some doubts, but not enough to call off step 1 of ‘The Plan’. Janine also gave me some hints about finding a good lawyer to handle our divorce and some questions to ask to insure that the lawyer was fully on board with what was needed to get the most from you.”

I was starting to get pissed. Here was the woman I loved and adored, nonchalantly telling me her plans of how she was going to destroy me – not just financially but also emotionally. It probably was a good thing she held me by my cock because I was ready to jump up and start tearing up the place. I think she sensed this because her grip started to feel tighter, or maybe it’s because I was firming up because she was holding me and adrenaline was beginning to course through my veins.

Katey took a deep breath and reassured me, “Almost finished, hang in there, you can have your say in just a minute more.” “I then went to see Cheryl. We had a great time catching up since she and I used to be pretty close when we were young. She was married to Kyle for almost 6 years and divorced him 2 years ago. I told her I had just come from seeing Mom and Janine and she asked how they were doing. She also asked, which I thought was kind of strange, if they seemed happy. I thought about it and said that Mom seemed content but still seemed a bit bitter whenever she mentioned the former men in her life. Cheryl said she was pretty sure Janine’s Dad had really done a number on Mom and second-handedly to Janine to make them both hate men the way they do. That was kind of a revelation to me. That sort of explained why Mom came up with ‘The Plan’ in the first place and why she preached it constantly to us when we were growing up. It was this secret we kept from her husbands and bound us together in a sisterhood. We were always involved in the process of appeasing the current husband and marking time until his 5 year term was up and then we sort of pushed him out of our minds and hearts. It seemed Cheryl and I were even able to do this to our own fathers, whom we both felt close to. We, at least I, actually believed this was the way things were done by every family until I got older and had friends whose Dad was the father of all the kids and was still part of the family. It’s funny the shit we believe to be normal.”

“Cheryl and I talked quite a bit about our respective fathers. She is pretty close to her father and I adore my dad, as you are fully aware. My dad at least, is still pretty hurt and puzzled about how Mom could just divorce him and drive him out. I think he needs some answers. I’m sure he is still wondering what he did to Mom to push her away. The poor guy still doesn’t have a clue. I may have to come up with a way of letting him know without alienating Mom. I’ve got to work on that one.”

“Anyway, as Cheryl and I talked, I told her that I was getting ready to start my version of ‘The Plan’ and she just got this really sad look on her face. She then just sighed heavily. She told me that divorcing Kyle was the worst mistake she had ever made in her life. She said that he loved her and treated her very well and she in turn loved and cared for him. They were partners and friends and she hates that she succumbed to the pressure from Mom and Janine to ‘get with the plan’. She got tears in her eyes and said that the man who once adored her now hates her guts and will not even talk to her. She has tried to contact him but he got a restraining order against her for harassment. She has started dating again but is looking for another Kyle which isn’t to be had. She then looked at me hard and asked if I was happy in my marriage. I had to admit that I was. I thought for a while longer and knew that I was very, very happy and would be hard pressed to replace you. Plus, for the first time, I thought of what you would think and feel if I just up and divorced you. How could I do that to you? I’m ashamed to say that that thought never even occurred to me before. How stupid is that?”

I just looked, I’m sure with a fair amount of horror, at my Katey. Horrified, that this woman I loved could even think in these terms without regard to me and my feelings – for the entire time we had been together. Shocked, that she was even talking about this like it was some casual event. Pissed, that other people, outside of our life together, could hold such sway over her to be encouraging her to break us up without regard to how WE felt and this was part of her deep seated belief system. I was also sick and hurt that this might be the end of us. I felt helpless, enraged and on the verge of tears.

Katey just looked at me with tears forming in her big hazel eyes. “I know, baby, and I’m so very sorry. I know it all sounds so crazy. It even sounds crazy to me now that I’ve had a chance to really think about it all.”

Katey reached up to stroke my cheek and pulled my head in close for a kiss. A soft kiss of hope and gratitude then she whispered to me in a husky voice filled with emotion, “I knew right then. I knew without a doubt, that I could never let you go. Could never divorce you because of some stupid ‘Plan’ that came about because my mom had been hurt years ago. I love you too much. I could never, ever find anyone else who makes me feel the way that you do and loves me the way that you prove to me all the time. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me… Unless of course, you realize I’m too crazy to live with and decide to implement ‘The Plan’ yourself. The ball is in your court now. You have to decide. I’ve already called my mom and my sisters and told them ‘The Plan’ was no longer a part of my plans or my life.”

She released her grip on my penis and encircled my neck, locking me into a loving embrace and kissing me squarely and passionately on my lips.

“I’m yours until you can no longer stand me.”

All the doubts and anger vanished in the second she took to utter those words. I was sure. I was relieved. I was in love.

We made love again with more passion and force than we had since probably our honeymoon. Two people reaffirming their love and commitment to each other in a way that only comes when they both feel and believe it at their very core.

We were back to spooning in much the same position we were in before her confession when she whispered, “Now that we are stuck with each other, maybe we should discuss those children you have been hinting strongly about having.”

+ + + + +

I was standing next to the hospital bed that held the frail, cancer ravaged body of Katey, my wife of the over 62 years that flew by way too fast. I was holding her hand trying desperately to steady myself. Across the room from the bed sat our 4 children, their spouses and some of our older grandchildren. Our 12 year old granddaughter, Jenny, looked at me intently and asked, “What were you thinking about, Poppy.” Perceptive little stinker always seemed to know when my mind was far away.

“I was thinking of the time that I found out for sure that your grandmother really loved me.” I smiled at the memory but felt sick knowing that soon our life together would be ending. Katey’s suffering would soon be over and I would then just have to wait out my days until it was my turn.

I felt a light tug at my hand. Katey’s eyes were open and clear and her breathing was steady and calm for the first time in days. I could sense that she wanted me to come close to her. I leaned down and she willed me into a dry lipped kiss. She fought to speak and her voice was labored and raspy, “I’ve had a wonderful life, my love.” Her big hazel eyes twinkled warmly.

“It’s all your fault, you know.”